How to Restore Trust in Your Relationship After An Affair

After you have exhausted all excuses…. It wasn’t me !  My spouse pushed me into someone else’s arms ! I was drunk.  I was hurt or depressed.  The person was there when I needed them.  I don’t know what happened.   I wasn’t  getting what I needed at home….and so many MORE reasons.   Are they valid reasons?

Actually...they are all symptoms to core issues that were never addressed.

How do you restore trust in your relationship after an affair ?  Some people claim that an affair should always end a relationship.  But I disagree.  I believe that every relationship is savable if both parties really want to work on it.  This article is about restoring trust in relationships.

In order to restore trust,  both parties must adjust their attitudes and actions.  Although seemingly impossible it is possible to save a relationship after an affair.  

If you have had an affair, you have had an attitude which allowed you to stray.  There may be something at the relationship’s core that is diseased.  But you can heal the disease.

What was it that you were looking for when you strayed?  Was the sex boring or non existing ?  Was she too busy for you?  Was she just not spending enough time on making herself attractive to you?

You wouldn’t have had an affair if the primary relationship was perfect.  So, what needs to be done to fix it?  Often that requires one to look at themselves.  But just as often, that lies in the couple’s relationship.

Restoring trust in relationships means fixing the underlying problems.  Sometimes that means going into couples counseling. But just understanding our thoughts isn’t enough.  The next step is to take concrete action in fixing the problems.

The secret to restoring trust in relationships lies not in talking about the right things, but in doing the right things. One of the biggest things you can do is to make small promises and keep them.  If you promise to take the trash out every evening, do it.  And, do it consistently.  When you demonstrate that you can be trusted in the small things, a gradual sense of confidence will be realized in the larger picture of the relationship.

Your girlfriend or wife is going to need constant reassurance that you have changed.  This means that you are going to need to apologize more than once over time.  You will also need to treat the recurring comments about the violation of trust as a matter of course.  It is not easy for her to forgive the breach.  If you want to stay with her, you will be patient with her. 

This does not mean that you must feel guilty about the indiscretion forever.  In fact, if you allow her to constantly guilt trip you, she will not be satisfied in the new relationship you are building.  Just be understanding.

Finally, you need to look at the incident from a different perspective.  Treat it as an opportunity for both of you to grow as individuals and for the relationship to mature.  Just as a bone grows stronger at the place it has been broken, a relationship can improve after an affair.

Understand that restoring trust in a relationship will take some time, but it is possible to rebuild and have a successful relationship with the one you love.